A Bad Day

The funny thing about anxiety is you have your good days and your bad days. Today was one of those bad days. Anxiety never really goes away for me it just seems to flare up now and again. This started last night.

So last night I was reading some stuff on the internets when I started to have a full fledged anxiety attack. I immediately felt the anxiety wash over me in a wave. I then felt like I was having trouble breathing like I wasn't getting enough air. That was my brain telling me it was time to pack it up for the day. Lately I have been putting in a lot of work hours and I have not been getting the exercise that I need to maintain my chemistry. Basically its my own fault!

It continued this morning on the way to work where I felt the heavy chest thing again. Luckily once I got to the office it started to go away. I have been able to convert my office into a pseudo safe place. I know my stress meter is running pretty high right now because my heart is beating faster than usual. My body's reaction to stress is on that I start to get physical symptoms when I push it too far.

I am going to try and get some quality sleep in tonight and hopefully wake up in a better place tomorrow. I need to get my workout on something fierce tomorrow and try and get myself straightened out. I tend to do this to myself all the time by feeling really good and then slowing down my workout schedule. I am constantly going in these circles of problems vs no problems. If only I could make myself be more consistent.

The teaching moment from all of this is it is important to use the tools to calm yourself down. I was able to make myself chill enough last night to get to sleep at a decent time and I was able to change my thought patterns when I got to work. These are things I could not have done a year ago so easily. I would take not feeling this way at all over getting over it quickly for sure but you have to look at the silver lining. You have to grasp on to the successes and forget about the failures.

Escape is the new 20

The thing I find the hardest about writing a blog entry on a frequent basis is how do I start it? Do my intros all sound the same? Anyway the thing I wanted to talk about is escaping. One of the things that is a requirement to help deal with anxiety is finding an activity that takes your mind off of your current worries/stress. Many people turn to drinking as a coping mechanism but I don't drink so I am unable to leverage that method although I crave a Killians now and again.

What I have found as my escape right now is RC Car racing. It works for me on a few levels. First it reminds me of being a kid when days were mostly worry free and I could do whatever I wanted. It also gives me something to tinker with and to think about. How do I want to upgrade the car or change my setup so it handles better on the track. When I show up to the track I have no concept of time. When I am racing for those intense moments I am completely concentrating on the race at hand. There is no stress about what I need to do the next day for work. I don't think about will I freak out driving home. All I can do is concentrate on driving and hopefully winning.

So how does my RC hobby/addiction benefit someone else. Well I can tell you it is important to find something to do. The first thing you want to do especially if you are feeling anxious and get up and do something. Go clean the garage or finally organize the closet. Distract your brain from what it is a constant flood of worries and scary thoughts. By giving your brain a break it helps relax you and helps make dealing with the pressures of anxiety a little easier.

See its all about breaking the anxiety snowball. First you have stress about something then you let that stress manifest into scary thoughts. Then those scary thoughts lead to other scary thoughts which lead to physical ailments which then lead to even more anxiety thus creating the circle of fun. Once the circle of fun is kicking up full speed its then hard to get motivated to do anything much less something that can help reduce your stress.

Finding the right escape for yourself is not a silver bullet but it will make things better. In my line of work we take a layered approach to solving issues. We have multiple mechanisms working together so if one fails another can pick up and ensure the mission gets accomplished. You have to eat right, you have to exercise, and you need to find a way to give your brain a break. These things combined with getting some sleep will give you extra gas in the tank when dealing with anxiety,

Wow.. Thanks!

Before I started this blog I was very apprehensive about where this would go and what people would think. I have been taken aback by the amount of positive feedback that I have gotten about it. I have always been pretty up front with my struggles but posting your struggles to a public forum that never goes away is something that is a little different. 

I want to say thank you to everyone who is reading this blog. The fact that people can relate to what I am saying is enough to keep me chugging along and hopefully helping people. Now if you have never had anxiety one of the things I always wanted to do was talk to someone else who was going through or has gone through what I was feeling. There is such a social stigma on anxiety that you don't want people to know because you don't want them to think you are crazy. I know I have told people before and they have no idea what I am talking about and just didn't get it. They don't know how a person could be afraid to get out of bed or that they are scared they are going to die for what are stupid reasons usually.

I just wanted to talk to someone who was going through what I was going through. I wanted tips.. I wanted to know I wasn't crazy! I felt like I could always talk forever about what I was going through because it made me feel better when I did. Luckily my wife was there to support me through this. She can now sense the days where I am anxious and I can always count on her being there for me when I am freaking out. It's really important for people to talk to their significant others to educate them that getting pissed off or frustrated doesn't make it get better. (makes it worse) There is no magic switch to turn off your mind. 

The only thing I set out to accomplish is to spread some of the tips that helped me in hopes that it will help other people. I feel like I went about this the hard way and had I had some of the info I blabber about my road might have been easier. So hopefully this will help!

Until tomorrow...

I Ain't Scurred?

One of the things that anxiety hates on you with is what is called "scary thoughts". So scary thoughts sometimes are completely ridiculous and easy to shake off and sometimes they are down right scary. So an example of one that is ridiculous is when I thought landing gear from landing aircraft were going to fall on my head or destroy my house. Something like this is easy to shrug off and get over. The ones that are hard to just brush off are those that normally do with things that you cannot explain easily.

What do I mean by things you cannot explain easily? For me I have to have an explanation on everything. My head hurts because of X and my stomach hurts because of Y. If I don't know what is causing them then that is when the scary thoughts kick in. What if there is something wrong with me? What if it is my pancreas? What if it was from rubbing warm peanut butter all over my body?(Joking)

This can be straight up scary. I won't lie I still struggle with this. I still think I am going to have a heart attack every time my heart beats fast. I still think I have a brain tumor when I have a head ache. What has changed is that I don't let it consume me. I went to the doctor they said I was in good heart health. EKG was normal. You have to work every day to tell yourself the reality of the situation. Last year at this time I would be upset for days thinking I was on the verge of death because I exercised! Well guess what happens when you exercise your heart beats harder and faster.

One thing you can do if you can't seem to shake something is a simple breathing technique. I call it the "Three Fives". Its easy. Breathe in through your nose for 5 seconds.. hold your breathe for 5 seconds.. out through the mouth for 5 seconds. Keep doing this until you calm down. Give it a try some time when you are freaking out. I use it all the time. :)

Danger Danger

Danger Will Robinson Danger!!!! I found out today I have to travel for work for an entire week! First problem is its in Detroit Rock City. No offense to my friends in MI but it's cold up there and the roads suck. The other problem is I won't have access to my safe place (my house) for an entire week!

So to give you a peek into what goes through my head when it comes to my anxiety here are some of the thoughts I am having.

#1 We are going to get into a car crash driving up there. I have already seen the car flip over and blacking out due to some sort of injury.

#2 I won't eat. So queue the eating anxiety. (I will go into this some other time) I will have a hard time calming myself so I won't want to eat. Then by not eating I won't be generating the nutrition you need for good brain chemistry and thus pushing me deeper into anxiety fun.

#3 Won't sleep. I am sure I will wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath. Then my heart will race and I will have trouble getting back to sleep thus not generating the serotonin I need to cope with the next day.

#4 People will think there is something wrong with me cause I might not want to go out for dinner at night.

This is what you call anticipatory anxiety. So how do I counter act these thoughts?

#1 We won't get in a car crash and we won't die. Its a pretty boring drive and if we survive through the construction in Dayton it is smooth sailing.

#2 Bring snacks and try and eat small amounts every hour or two. You are supposed to have 200-300 calories every 2 to 3 hours. This will help keep my brain chemicals at a somewhat sustainable level.

#3 Hit the gym. Walking or some sort of other exercise as long as its at least 15 minutes. This will go a long way to relaxing me as well as helping me sleep.

#4 I don't care what people think. If I am tired or not feeling up to it so be it.

Now I know I make it sound so simple but believe me it will be challenging. I just try and fight my anxiety thoughts with these counter thoughts and hope the counter thoughts win out. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

The Circle of Fun

As I was eating lunch today deciding on what I would babble about today, the circle of fun came to mind. So what is the circle of fun you ask? Well several people I know who suffer from anxiety/depression also suffer from digestive issues. IBS, Chrones, Acid Reflux etc. I personally have IBS and Acid Reflux and what happens is my anxiety will make me sick to my stomach with a side of other issues. (use your imagination) Then my IBS/AR then causes me to get even more anxious thus creating the circle of fun.

Nothing says awesome like going to work and obsessing over what if I have issues today during my presentation? (feed the anticipatory monster) Then will I have to go to the bathroom at work? I won't go into my anxiety about restrooms as that can be a post in itself. So we will move on as I am sure you get the point.

The next question I am sure you have is how do you break out of this circle of fun? This is where things get difficult.  I have found that the reason I get myself into these situations is I stray from my so called nutrition plan. I am not a nutrition expert but have done a ton of research. Still that means I am full of shit so you can take my advice or see a real nutritionist. Now I won't lie to you, changing your diet it isn't easy. 

Step 1: Lose the Caffeine

Now this is by far and away the hardest thing I have ever done. I smoked for several years and kicking nicotine was cake compared to caffeine. This is something that takes a ton of willpower and you will notice extreme physical effects at first. I had the most intense head aches of my entire life for about 2 weeks. I was tired, cranky, and I was ready to kill on a moments notice. I won't discuss the benefits of what this does for digestive issues but think about what caffeine does to you.

I personally like to use the snowball analogy. My anxiety starts as something small and then gets bigger and bigger like a snowball rolling down a hill. Caffeine makes the slope steeper thus increasing the speed that the snowball grows. Stimulants are the last thing on earth you need when you have anxiety.

Step 2: Process Goods = BAD


Processed foods are horrible for you. Now I can't say I am awesome at following this one. I work and I like fast food. The key is to cut back as much as possible. Most processed foods have all kinds of chemicals in them and who knows what that does to you. Also a lot of fast food has large amounts of sugar in it. Again a stimulant which is not what you need.

Step 3: Drink water


Water is critical to helping your brain repair itself so drink as much as you can. Also it helps flush out the system so to speak.

So by taking these simple steps chances are you will see improvement in the way you feel. Feeling better physically will help improve your mental state and an improved mental state will help your digestive issues. This isn't a silver bullet as there is no such thing, but what's the worse thing that can happen by cutting out things that really are not that healthy for you?

The Bat: My First Anxiety Attack

For a long time I thought my anxiety issues were something that was new... like something happened to me and now I have anxiety. One of the things I tried to do was think about when I had my first anxiety attack. I was in grade school and it was a field trip to Kings Island. (Yes to an amusement park) To date myself Kings Island still had "The Bat" and animals at the time. (I remember the bat being near where we ate lunch that day) I think we were there to see the animals. I remember I had an awesome packed field trip lunch. I think I had a hostess snack and a Big K grape pop wrapped in aluminum foil. You know you were big stuff when you were rocking the aluminum foil pop. The field trip lunch was always a big production.. a special event so to speak.... the culinary version of show and tell back then.

I remember that I went into the bathroom and there was some kid in there screaming in the stall and I had no clue why. The stall was open and it was the handicap one. I dunno if he was backed up or something and he was giving birth, but I was just a little kid so I didn't know. I don't think anything suspect was going down in there but I remember having the feeling like I had to get out. Basically that feeling you would have if you were in the garbage compactor from Star Wars. Even when I think about it I remember some of the weird feelings I had about it. That Big K was good though. :)

My first memory of anticipatory anxiety was when I was in 4th grade. I remember I was in Mrs. Beason's class and I remember she made us have our parents sign our homework when your grade sucked. Well I hated doing homework so I would just forge my mom's signature. I would get an F on my homework and since my mom would never see it I was cool and the gang. One day my master plan came to a screeching halt when my forgery work was questioned. During recess while everyone was getting jiggy on the monkey bars I was in the library standing outside the little office in there while Mrs. Beason called my mom. I remember feeling like I was light headed and that I was going to throw up something fierce. I remember  I couldn't sit still and couldn't catch my breath, all feelings I get now when I have anxiety issues.

So what does all this mean? What lessons can be gleamed from my criminal elementary past? At first when I remembered these events I thought to myself "Hey I have always been a nutjob!". But the thing that took me a while to realize is yes those were early anxiety attacks when I was little but I had survived! I made it. Things were able to go back to normal after I had issues. My life went on and it wasn't until later in life that I had issues like that again.

If you are in the throws of anxiety sometimes it feels like you will never be "normal" again. You want to do whatever you can to "fix" the problem. By thinking back to these past experiences it can help you realize that you can get through it and things will be ok. I know it isn't that simple to say hey I did it before I can do it again but it does help.

First Real Post

So what is this blog about anyways? Well it is my personal blog space to talk about anxiety and how I cope with it. I have lived with anxiety and depression my whole life. At first I thought I was crazy and I would end up mumbling on the street wearing the same clothes for 3 weeks. Luckily I have been leading a somewhat productive life and have learned a few ways to cope with it.

The type of anxiety I personally struggle with is anticipatory anxiety. I think about all the things that could go wrong. Sometimes it is silly and sometimes it really gets to me. Let me give you a prime example. I live near an airport and planes on some days land over my house. When I am walking outside and see them flying over I think to myself what if the landing gear fall off the plane and crash into my house. I normally shake that kind of stuff off pretty easily but its an example of what I got going on.

I think about what people might think about me after reading this blog and several things come to mind. Will people speak to me still? Will they point at me and say "That dude is weird". Well to answer that yes I am weird. I have always been weird and I will continue to be weird my whole life. My wife thinks I am weird because I like ham but I don't like ham steaks. There is nothing wrong with weird. :)

One thing I have noticed is that once people find out that I have anxiety issues they feel free to talk about their own anxiety issues. Like its a secret club or something. We talk about our personal coping techniques and some of the funny situations anxiety has put us in. I hope by talking about my personal struggles with it and my coping techniques other people will be able to benefit from using the same tricks I use to deal with their own anxiety.

**Disclaimer** I am not a doctor and I am not an expert. Always seek professional help if you have thoughts of hurting yourself.